Awful Joke: My Apologies in Advance

[evilkumquat]

All cynical did was post a joke pointing out some of the well-known foibles of famous Democrats and you launched into a diatribe about the dead in Iraq.

Of course death in Iraq is not funny. But cynical's joke didn't even reference Iraq. It did reference stuff that people - including, I'm sure, no small amount of Democrats - have been laughing at for years.

Laugh along with the joke, and post your own about Republicans if you want. (Surely, you could do something about Bob Dole and a Viagra commercial.)

Actually, what bugged me was it is the same old rehashing of the same tired old "jokes/lies". For that reason I wouldn't post anything about Dole and Viagra since it's what? The 21st Century already? Although, come to think of it, for Dole it may still be the 20th Century as far as he is concerned, since he is probably still using the Julian Calender system (since that was the one in place when he was born). McCain, of course, still uses giant rocks in elliptical patterns to tell the date.

Find a new one about Chappaquiddick and I'm sure I'd probably see the humor in it.

[james_t]

Actually, what bugged me was it is the same old rehashing of the same tired old "jokes/lies".

Yes, but remember the title you put on this thread. None of the jokes here were supposed to be THAT groundbreaking or good, or we'd create another thread.

McCain, of course, still uses giant rocks in elliptical patterns to tell the date.

And Kennedy, of course, would use the rocks in his head.

I don't think there's anything wrong in political jokes drawn from the familiar. I'm still waiting for the media to ask Sarah Palin how she spells "potato."

[cynicalfoe]

The title of this thread is "Awful Joke: My Apologies in Advance. Evil, had I known this would get you upset I would have posted it long ago. I thought it was funny as I do the jokes about the Republican Party. Here is another Awful Joke.

The Devil tells a Real Estate Agent, “Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any Real Estate Agent alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest agent that ever lived.”

“Well,” says the Real Estate Agent, “what do I have to do in return?”

The Devil smiles, “Well, of course you have to give me your soul,” he says, “but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children’s children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity.”

“Wait a minute,” the Real Estate Agent says cautiously, “What’s the catch?”

[HomeyG]

Just finished reading all the jokes on this post. That in itself was worth it.
Some were genuinely funny, others were stupid, but still funny. We manage to ridicule the Irish, politicans in general, ex-husbands, painters, real estate agents, attorneys, preachers, the Pope, and even little green men. No one was offended until we started to pick on the Dems. Guess we know who doesn't have a sense of humor. To balance the books I'll start a joke list about the Republicans. "Bush has two brains, one's lost and the other one is looking for it." "A member of Cheney's security detail was arrested for passing out secrets to a foreign government. Rove went crying to Bush saying 'Hey, that's my job'."

[Rockstarr]

These will get the ladies fired up:


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------------- ----------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me.'
----------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't there is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
----------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
----------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

[Rockstarr]

Settle down ladies, here's what us men have to look forward to:

Three Old Men

'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old man. 'You always
Feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and
nothing Comes out.'

'Ah, that's nothin,' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy, you
don't
Have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on
The toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'

'Actually,' said the 80-year old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'

'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 60 year old.

'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat
rock;
No problem at all.'

'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?'

'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00 and
Crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?'

'I don't wake up until 7:00.'

[Rockstarr]

Without any paperwork or for any reason, this old black man everyone called Grandpa started getting a $500 check every month. So Grandpa and Grandma started cashing them.

It turns out the government made a mistake with the address; the checks were intended for another person with the exact same name.

Grandpa then received a notice that he had to pay back $6,000. Visibly upset, he complained to his grandson, an accountant.

His grandson asked: "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?"

Grandpa answered: "I just assumed the Democrats were back in power"

[Rockstarr]

ok, just 1 more:

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't.

The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the Farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, "I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

[HomeyG]

Settle down ladies, here's what us men have to look forward to:

Three Old Men

'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old man. 'You always
Feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and
nothing Comes out.'

'Ah, that's nothin,' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy, you
don't
Have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on
The toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'

'Actually,' said the 80-year old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'

'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 60 year old.

'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat
rock;
No problem at all.'

'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?'

'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00 and
Crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?'

'I don't wake up until 7:00.'

In the words of Larry the Cable Guy, "That's funny, I don't care what you say." Worse part is I'm at the age that it's already started.

[miriam]

My brother told me this one....

A little old lady was walking down the sidewalk pulling 2 garbage bags. One caught a snag and tore a small hole in it. 20 dollar bills started falling from the hole. A police officer noticed and went up to the old lady and said, "Hey Lady, you're losing money!" She thanked him and began picking up the fallen bills. The cop then asked her how she came to have a bag full of 20 dollar bills. "Well, I live right down the street from the football stadium and every time there is a game men relieve themselves in my bushes. I came up with an idea to make some cash. I hid in the bushes with my hedge clippers and each time a man approached the bushes I threatened to whack "it" off unless he paid me $20!" "Oh", said the cop, "that is pretty enterprising! But wait, what is in the other bag?" The old lady looked up at the cop, smiled and said, "Well, not everyone was willing to pay."

[hairypumper]

Gramma and grampa are sitting on the porch in their rockers when gramma gets up, hobbles over to grampa, and slaps him so hard his teeth fly out. He says "What was that for?". She replies "For being such a lousy lover all these years!". Grampa fetches his teeth and goes back to reading his paper. About twenty minutes later he gets up, goes over to gramma, and slaps her so hard she falls out of her chair. She says "What was that for?". To which he replies "For knowing the difference!'.

[Copycatted]

As heard on my way home from Indy this week. I kind of go with the Guru myself

A Priest,an Rabbi and Guru got together and were discussing their best liked positions to be in when they pray. There was a telphone Repairman in the room.

The first one said they liked kneeling when they prayed,the second one liked standing with their arms raised when they prayed and the third one said they liked laying down when they prayed.

The telephone Repairman couldn't take it any longer and interupted by saying I have found the best way to pray is while hanging upside down from a telphone pole.

[Rockstarr]

The Gynecologist

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college , signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want
to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the tailpipe, which I've never seen done in my entire life.

[evilkumquat]

The Gynecologist

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college , signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want
to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the tailpipe, which I've never seen done in my entire life.

Now, THAT'S a good one

[Copycatted]

Last year a migratory bird decided not to fly South with the rest of the flock. But soon after the cold nasty weather of Winter set in and food was scarce it had second thoughts and headed South to be with the rest of its kind.

But somewhere near Indianapolis due to sleeplessness and hunger the little bird fell from flight into a Farmers cow pasture.

Soon along came a Farmers cow and dumped a load of dung right smack dab on the little bird which thought to iself just great,first I fall from hunger and fatigue and now this cow ***** on me.

Soon though from the cows dung the little bird was feeling its warmth and began feeling happy,poked a hole in the side of the dung and started chirping. The Farmers cat heard the happy bird singing and dug it out of the cow dung and ate it.

The morale of that story was it is not always an enemy that dumps a load of dung on you but nor is it always a Friend that digs you out of it either.

[cynicalfoe]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks,

but nothing happened ....

Then he decided to write God a letter asking for $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA ,

They decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary

to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a

thank - you note to God, which read:

Dear God:

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for Some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C. and those *********** deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[HoosierHelen]

BEST IDEA HEARD IN A LONG, LONG TIME !!!

Members of Congress should be
compelled to wear uniforms
just like NASCAR drivers…
so we could identify
their corporate sponsors.

[Worrywort]

LAPD OFFICER: "We arrested this man beating the living daylights out of some poor slob for no reason at all! What should we charge him with?"

DESK SERGEANT: "Impersonating an Officer."

[HomeyG]

"Hey, you hear about this? Very strange incident at JFK Airport in New York City today. An AIG executive going through security had to empty out all his pockets. You know what fell out? Senator Chris Dodd." --Jay Leno



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[Graygleam]

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part... did you get...?"