Awful Joke: My Apologies in Advance

[Mrs.Slotz]

well...thank you Mrs. Slotz! I would be kicked out of a spelling bee on that word!

yeah, you and me both.

[cynicalfoe]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.

Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh,' said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."

"Incredible,' said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life."


"Where's Obama's clock?" asked the man.

"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office . . . He's using it as a ceiling
fan."

[HoosierHelen]

Shirley & Marcy

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week?

Do you know her?'
Timmy nonchalantly replied,
'Yeah, I know who she is.'
The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'
'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us? '

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.
And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

[Mrs.Slotz]

It is so unusual to get a mildly funny, but non political, non sexist, non racist, and non doomsday message. Wanted to make your day, too, by sending it along! We can even share this one with young grandchildren!
> THE POTTY
> A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOESIN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
> HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE.. BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
> MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES.BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
>
> BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP.

[Mrs.Slotz]

This just came in my email, and i guess, it is sorta funny.

Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me
laugh out loud.
I hope it will give
you a smile!

A woman and a
baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said,
'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.'

[LuciusBeebe]

A drunk man is at a party.

He goes up to the host and asks, "do you have green toilet paper that says 'screw you!' ?

The host says, "no, we don't have anything like that."

The drunk replies, "Oh... then I must have wiped my butt with your parrot."

[slotz10]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Can I have a beer and a mop?"

[HoosierHelen]

Remember the shoe bomber? Now we all must remove our shoes before walking through the scanner. I understood this.

Now after the underwear bomber, we will be required to remove our underwear and place these in the little gray boxes. I’m taking a stand now….I want a privacy wall for my underwear removal. Also…how are they sniffing for explosives? I want to know these things?

[HomeyG]

Remember the shoe bomber? Now we all must remove our shoes before walking through the scanner. I understood this.

Now after the underwear bomber, we will be required to remove our underwear and place these in the little gray boxes. I’m taking a stand now….I want a privacy wall for my underwear removal. Also…how are they sniffing for explosives? I want to know these things?

Will Obama appoint an underwear czar to keep him "briefed" at all times.

[matt_s]

Will Obama appoint an underwear czar to keep him \"briefed\" at all times.

Remember the shoe bomber? Now we all must remove our shoes before walking through the scanner. I understood this.

Now after the underwear bomber, we will be required to remove our underwear and place these in the little gray boxes. I’m taking a stand now….I want a privacy wall for my underwear removal. Also…how are they sniffing for explosives? I want to know these things?

I guess this puts going "Commando" in a different light.

[Mrs.Slotz]

I ran across this one today. Allegedly it is an old one, but I had never heard of it before.

Q: What's a policeman's favorite dish?
A: Irish Stew (in the name of the law)

If you don't get it (like I didn't at first), repeat it out loud.

Then mold a voodoo doll of me out of melted wax and stick it full of pins.

hahahahaha

[HoosierHelen]

Rush Limbaugh getting down to Lady Gaga ..... seems appropriate to watch from this thread

[Graygleam]

The Waiter and the Spoon
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?''
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.
'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'