Advice for parenting boys

[james_t]

I received a request to post this from another staff member:

I have a friend who has a girl, age 4, and boy, age 2 1/2. She is at her wit's end because all the discipline techniques that have worked perfectly for her daughter have no effect on her son. She asked me for advice and I wasn't much help because frankly I think I could have done a better job on our son because I disciplined him the same as our daughters and boys are just DIFFERENT.

Any advice?

[matt_s]

Well, as the parent of a 5 year old boy, I'd have to say simply be consistent and establish early what you will tolerate and what you won't. Be willing to walk out of the grocery store without groceries if they throw a fit and you threaten to leave. Also, try not to overreact to the negative things that they do. If they learn you have a button that they can push that makes you purple and hopping up and down screaming, they will probably use it in the future.

I'm not sure anything here is gender specific though.

[evilkumquat]

My kids are perfect, so I don't have that problem.

However, friends of mine had the same difficulty (an unruly boy). Spankings never worked, but one day after getting a poor disciplinary report from daycare, they took absolutely every single toy the boy had and boxed them up and put them in the garage.

Every day when he came home from daycare, he was made to sit in his empty room... no toys, no television, just a bed, blankets and nothing else.

Now he behaves a LOT better and they haven't had any bad reports from daycare since.

He does have his toys back, by the way.

For my own kids, even though they're six and seven, grounding seems to do a good job. The trick is to find the one thing they love most in life (besides parents, I mean)... a favorite toy, television, etc. When they misbehave, ground them from that object for a week.

Lately, though, I've taken to make them play my World of WarCraft account, but only the fishing part... which is incredibly, incredibly tedious. One of them asked me to ground them for a week instead of making them fish for an hour.

[miriam1]

I just ordered a book off of Amazon. It is called "1-2-3 Magic for Teachers: Effective Classroom Discipline Pre-K through Grade 8". There are also editions for parents. The basic plan is that whenever a child misbehaves you say "That's 1". The second time, say "That's 2" and if there is a third say "That's 3. Now you take 5". That would be 5 minutes of time out. Don't say anything else, don't argue with them. If you are in a public place find a spot where the child can sit for their time out. Be consistent!! (The amount of time out recommended is one minute per child's age; 3 year old - 3 minutes; 4 year old - 4 minutes, etc.)

My son and wife used links; the boy got a certain number of links on a chain and each time he misbehaved a link was removed. If he had a pre-agreed upon amount of links left after a week he earned a reward.

[Graygleam]

Well, as the parent of a 5 year old boy, I'd have to say simply be consistent and establish early what you will tolerate and what you won't. Be willing to walk out of the grocery store without groceries if they throw a fit and you threaten to leave.

This advice is more than excellent. You are exactly right, matt_s, and you will never be sorry that you stuck to your guns.

[jennyk]

Spankings never worked, but one day after getting a poor disciplinary report from daycare, they took absolutely every single toy the boy had and boxed them up and put them in the garage.

Every day when he came home from daycare, he was made to sit in his empty room... no toys, no television, just a bed, blankets and nothing else.

I was a pretty rambunctious kid who tended to get in trouble. My mom always said that she could have beaten me with a baseball bat (not that she did, or would have!) and it wouldn't have changed my behavior one bit. What did work was sitting me in a time-out chair in the middle of the room with absolutely nothing to do. If the kid is someone who likes to be doing something at all times, it is absolute torture!

[HoosierHelen]

Well, as the parent of a 5 year old boy, I'd have to say simply be consistent and establish early what you will tolerate and what you won't. Be willing to walk out of the grocery store without groceries if they throw a fit and you threaten to leave. Also, try not to overreact to the negative things that they do. If they learn you have a button that they can push that makes you purple and hopping up and down screaming, they will probably use it in the future.

I'm not sure anything here is gender specific though.

I agree with Matt's thoughts. I only raised sons, no daughters. I found that they understood boundries...they would always try to test me, but in the end, I believe they felt secure in knowing they had them.

While the logic behind the rules seemed obvious to me, I also found they really needed to understand the "why" behind the rules. That helped them accept their limits. It's amazing how quickly little ones will obey a rule once they understand it's objective. It helps them feel secure.

Recently my little granddaughter at 3 1/2 reminded me of the rule of seatbelts. I had placed her securely in the backseat with all her belts & buckles attached to her carseat. Then I got into the drivers seat and omitted my seatbelt (just forgot it after all these other safety things for her).

Immediately I heard a screech from the back seat --"Grandma--The Police are going to take you to jail -- You don't have your seatbelt on"!! I hit the breaks, pulled over and thanked her for reminding her forgetful Grandma.

I really believe consistency with rules and being sure they understand the logic behind the rules are extremely helpful for either boys or girls.

[LuciusBeebe]

Lately, though, I've taken to make them play my World of WarCraft account, but only the fishing part... which is incredibly, incredibly tedious. One of them asked me to ground them for a week instead of making them fish for an hour.

Child protective services may want to stop your fish-farming abuse.

[JUSTSPREADINTHEWORD]

i am the grandmother and daycare provider for 2 boys ages 2 &4..they r constently climbing and jumping off anything and everything...2 weeks ago while one a visit to their dads the 2 year old fell down stairs which resulted n a bruised eye and broken collar bone which they discovered when his mom took him to the e.r because he wouldnt move arm...well last tues while leaving grandmas we were having a snowball fight on the way to car when he slipped in the snow..his leg going under him and the next morning my daughter took him in to e.r again to discover he broke his leg in that fall..talk about bad luck..the poor lil guy...but now..trhe dr. says the way it broke it couldnt have happened from a fall and reports her to social services...that n my opinion is a pretty harsh statment to accuse a mother who would never touch her child n a harmful way to say this was caused by abuse...social services made some calls and i think shes n the clear with them[altho we havent heard anything so...but my question is...has anyone else gone thru this and what if the poor guy falls again in the near future?..

[HoosierHelen]

i am the grandmother and daycare provider for 2 boys ages 2 &4..they r constently climbing and jumping off anything and everything...2 weeks ago while one a visit to their dads the 2 year old fell down stairs which resulted n a bruised eye and broken collar bone which they discovered when his mom took him to the e.r because he wouldnt move arm...well last tues while leaving grandmas we were having a snowball fight on the way to car when he slipped in the snow..his leg going under him and the next morning my daughter took him in to e.r again to discover he broke his leg in that fall..talk about bad luck..the poor lil guy...but now..trhe dr. says the way it broke it couldnt have happened from a fall and reports her to social services...that n my opinion is a pretty harsh statment to accuse a mother who would never touch her child n a harmful way to say this was caused by abuse...social services made some calls and i think shes n the clear with them[altho we havent heard anything so...but my question is...has anyone else gone thru this and what if the poor guy falls again in the near future?..

No doubt some of our little ones are far more active and daring than other children. These are the ones who need the extra measure of our attention. My best advise to you is "hang in there..God will never give you more than you can handle."

On those days when it feels overwhelming...you may need to remind yourself and God that his opinion of your abilities may have been OVER ESTIMATED.

There are parenting groups available in DeKalb and Noble county to help Mothers deal with over active children. My best advise is to inquire from your family physican for recommendations regarding your childs behavior. Your family physician is your best resource for options available to you and your child or grandchild.

Best wishes in your efforts. Remember there are lots of Mothers and Grandmothers here on the Fence Post who care about your successful results. If you don't find what your needs are with your child, there are many other Mothers and Grandmothers here who also care. They may have similar stories and challenges to share with you.

I'm very sure other mothers on this board will also offer their thoughts and support to you.

Best of Wishes,
Helen

[miriam1]

Having a close family memeber who works in the medical field and I myself having worked in a childcare center for years know we are required by law to report ANY suspected child abuse. I once let a questionable comment made by a 3 year old go by only to have to call C.P.S later because of another comment about "Papa hurting my bottom". The case worker who came was not at all happy that I didn't report the first instance and called me on the carpet for it. Thankfully, there was no abuse going on with the child, only poor language skills that made innocent comments sound not so innocent. My family member deals with this issue quite a bit, but what would happen if a report was not made and a child died because of it? Isn't the child's best interest always our goal?

[kingster]

Having raised three boys I can relate to your story.Their were times I wanted to skip doctor appointments due to my boys looking like they had went rounds with a pro wrestler.But with the regular visits he knew them well enough to know their rough and tumble ways.My grandson is just like them.

[evilkumquat]

The closest brush with CPS I've ever come was when my sister-in-law's dog bit my son on his face.

I wasn't there when it happened, but apparently there were some pointed questions at the hospital.

My boy still has the scars (four years later); luckily they're small and not very noticible... plus it will help him later on since most women think scars are sexy.

[ebbieday]

...has anyone else gone thru this and what if the poor guy falls again in the near future?

Yes, when our youngest son was between 2 and 3 yrs old, he broke both of his forearms. I can't recall how far apart they were since he's 14 1/2 now, but he had green stick fractures with both of them, which is consistent with falling and trying to break the fall by putting his hands down in front of him, splintering the bone. The ER Dr. was familiar with this kind of break with small children and thank God for that because I was worried he might think I was doing something to the poor kid. All was well for about 11 or 12 years and then this past October (Apple Festival weekend, to be exact), he was riding his bike at a high rate of speed and his right foot slipped off the front peg and went right into the spokes, throwing him clean over the handlebars onto the pavement. He broke his lateral epicondyle (elbow bone) clean away from the humerus and both forearm bones! We took him the Parkview Noble and wouldn't you know, the SAME Dr. was in the ER. He had emergency surgery that night at Lutheran (the surgeon at PV didn't want to do it due to his age and not being through with growing yet) and has two stainless steel screws in his elbow. Some kids are just more accident prone than others...and my little/not so little guy is one of them. Never a dull moment with that one...LOL. Dr's know this, but I totally understand why they have to stay alert to possible abuse cases. I am sure they can spot a bogus story a mile away, so I'm sure you all will be fine.

[HoosierHelen]

The closest brush with CPS I've ever come was when my sister-in-law's dog bit my son on his face.

I wasn't there when it happened, but apparently there were some pointed questions at the hospital.

My boy still has the scars (four years later); luckily they're small and not very noticible... plus it will help him later on since most women think scars are sexy.

LOL! Evil, I'm sure you are already coaching him on some tales to tell. Hey, you've turned it into a positive for him. This is good!

I'm glad it wasn't anything more serious for him.

While the CPS can be upsetting to deal with while a parent is already trying to calm their child down from their pain -- we must realize they do have an important job to do.

Abusive parents don't step up in the emergency rooms with their confessions, they usually bring well designed stories along with the injured child. I'm thankful our children have advocates who are looking out for them.

[matt_s]

While the CPS can be upsetting to deal with while a parent is already trying to calm their child down from their pain -- we must realize they do have an important job to do.

Maybe someday we will get to a point where they are no longer necessary. But we have a long way to go to get there.

[evilkumquat]

Some kids are just more accident prone than others...and my little/not so little guy is one of them. Never a dull moment with that one...LOL.

My boy was also very accident prone. Not including the dog attack (which, come to think of it, involved him tripping on top of the dog, so maybe it SHOULD be included) he has been in the emergency room for falling down some concrete steps (staple in the head) and falling on the slide at preschool (stitches in his lip).

Once we got glasses for him, however, he hasn't had an accident since.

Does your boy wear glasses?

[ebbieday]

Once we got glasses for him, however, he hasn't had an accident since.

Does your boy wear glasses?

Nope...he has 20/20 in one eye and 20/15 in the other so that's not his issue. He's just an accident waiting to happen. We had a neighbor kid when I was growing up who kept running into the corner of doorways and getting hurt (his mom was an RN) and once they got his eyes checked and found out he had terrible vision, his unjuries were greatly reduced. It happens.

[james_t]

My boy was also very accident prone. Not including the dog attack (which, come to think of it, involved him tripping on top of the dog, so maybe it SHOULD be included) he has been in the emergency room for falling down some concrete steps (staple in the head) and falling on the slide at preschool (stitches in his lip).

Once we got glasses for him, however, he hasn't had an accident since.

My older two - neither of whom have had vision problems - both went through stretches where it seemed they were accident-prone, then seemed to get out of it. My youngest - who does wear glasses - has avoided the goofy injuries but does seem to find creative ways to break his glasses. Last fall he tripped over the dog outside in the dark playing ghost in the graveyard, his glasses fell off and the dog ran off with them. We never did find them.

I don't have much to add to the parenting advice given here other than agreement that consistency is needed. My kids may not always agree with the punishment given, but they do no one thing - if mom or dad says "Don't do this or x will happen" and they do it anyway, x will happen.

A while back I was around a mom whose elementary school age daughter was throwing an absolute fit. Mom kept over and over threatening to call dad if she didn't quit - even opening up the cell phone several times - but daughter didn't. It took all I had to keep from shouting, "JUST CALL HIM ALREADY!!!"

[evilkumquat]

A while back I was around a mom whose elementary school age daughter was throwing an absolute fit. Mom kept over and over threatening to call dad if she didn't quit - even opening up the cell phone several times - but daughter didn't. It took all I had to keep from shouting, "JUST CALL HIM ALREADY!!!"

In those circumstances, I'm torn between shaking my fist threateningly and wishing that child were mine and the utter relief that the child ISN'T mine...