The Potty Speech
A speech I wrote for high school. Decided to add humor to the assessment called (How To...)
So here it is. My Potty Speech. and yes, I passed with flying colours.
Hey there! Iím (name removed); you might remember me from classroom demonstrations such as, How to Eat, and How to Breathe(not really). Today Iím going to teach you, How to Use the Toilet, but firstÖLet me take you on a journey through the history of the toilet.
About 2800 years ago there once lived a King called Minos. He was King of a place called Crete. Now Crete is the largest of the Greek Islands. Itís hiding in the Mediterranean Sea. Now King Minos is the first person in all of recorded history to have a flushing water closet. Isnít that cool?
Not long ago, in 206 BC, a Chinese King of the Western Han Dynasty had a toilet in his tomb. Do you honestly think a dead King needs to use the loo?
I know of a few Roman friends who several many years ago, had a real potty town. They built their little outhouses and latrines over some running water. Now you people without imagination, Iíll tell you what happens. The poop or tinkles go down the loo, into the running water, leading to a river, and who knows where that all ends up.
Now before you go stepping into a time machine to the middle ages, a little heads up. Actually donít put your head up. The middle age people used things called, Chamber pots. Itís like a bowl, but made out of the same stuff a vase is. Now this lovely middle age wonders would go to the loo in these bowls and toss them out the window once they were done. Thatís why you donít look up in the middle Ages.
1597 a little earlier then most teacherís birthdays, and it was a good year for the toilets. The Queen Elizabeth Iís Godson Sir John Harrington had invented the first EVER flush toilet. Queen Elizabeth was so proud she had all her toilets fitted with them.
Now the Toilet evolution has brought us to the very Hygienic Era, where we use the toilet and sewage systems to a large extent.
I know what youíre thinkingÖAll this talk about toilet is driving you completely potty, but donít worry. Hold it in a little more while Iíll teach you How to Use the Toilet!
Walk into the toilet room, turn around.
Shut the door, and lock it. Some people donít want to watch someone else use the toilet, some.
Walk over to the toilet, make sure the toilet seat is down, or if youíre a boy, up. Turn around and face away from it. Or if youíre a boy, you might want to face it.
Pull your pants and underwear down, or whatever else youíre wearing, if youíre wearing something that is.
Sit down on the toilet seat. Get comfy. Make sure you are on it properly. If youíre not, itíll be a bit messy.
Now this step is tricky. You must think of something relaxing, or exciting, or just clear your head. If you canít use the toilet, try thinking about leaky taps and waterfalls.
Youíll suddenly release or your bodily fluids that are meant to come out, which is a good thing.
Get some toilet paper, doesnít really matter how much, as long as you have enough.
Fold it up and wipe yourself.
Stand up, put your pants, and underwear back on. Or whatever else you were wearing.
Turn around and flush the toilet.
Walk over to the sink and turn the cold tap on, or the hot tap, if like getting burnt, or just like the warm pleasant feeling.
Get some soap and thoroughly rub it on your hands while they are under the running water.
Get a towel, or paper to dry your hands.
Walk over to the door, unlock it and walk out.
Congratulations! Youíve just used the toilet.
Handy Hints that Help:
Some people can use the toilet very quickly. Learn to get quicker so that youíre in and out in a splash, but remember to make sure it all goes into the toilet.
Always make sure that there isnít someone in the toilet room before you go in. You could walk into an explosion.
If you make a mess clean it up. Itís really gross when other people have to go in after you leave a messy mess.
The toilet comes with many companions. Sometimes there are very handy, other times; they are a pain in the butt, literally.
The toilet paper. One of natureís most significant substances. Often the toilet paper is taken for granted. It is used millions of times everyday. The first widely used toilet paper dates back to 1862, in the United States of America. Back then the toilet paper would have been hard and painful, these days it is soft as anything and scented or itís got colourful patterns, in case somebody gets bored.
Air Freshener. A modern design technology that came into our world in 1948. Its main usage was at a military base, as an insecticide. As early as the 1950ís, some companies decided to add fragrances to the substance. To this day it is used everyday on a wide basis.
Well I presume that my time here is done. I hope you all enjoyed yourselves, and remember to use the toilet one person at a time. Goodnight everybody!
Yeah I'm free...