You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it. - Jeff Foxworthy
Today a list of the safest cars in America was released and four of the cars were built by Chrysler. Apparently, Chrysler cars are so safe because they never leave the dealership. - Conan O'Brien
Mickey Mouse is now 81. He's now the oldest rodent in show business, unless you count that thing on Donald Trump's head. - Craig Ferguson
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. - Erma Bombeck
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. - Steven Wright
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